The word swinging sparks curiosity in almost everyone. To some it sounds scandalous, to others like a movie plot, and to a third group it's a perfectly normal part of their lives. Swinging has existed for decades, with its own clubs, rules and communities all over the world, including in Bulgaria.

Here is what swinging really means, how the community works, what its unwritten rules are and what to discuss as a couple before taking the first step.

What's swinging?

Swinging is a form of consensual non-monogamy in which couples in a stable relationship meet other couples or singles for flirting, erotic play or sex. The key word is consent. Both partners know, agree and usually take part together.

Swinging and cheating are two very different things. In cheating, one partner hides something from the other. In swinging there are no secrets. The couple decides together what they want, what they don't want and where the boundaries are.

Swinging also differs from an open relationship or polyamory. Swingers usually look for sexual experiences rather than emotional bonds with other people. The main relationship remains the priority, and meeting others is more of a shared adventure. If you're interested in the differences, read our article on open relationships.

A short history of swinger culture

Modern swinging is believed to have emerged in the USA after the Second World War among military pilots and their wives. The term used back then was wife swapping. In the 1960s and 70s, with the sexual revolution, swinger clubs became more visible, and the term swinging gradually replaced the old one because it better reflected the equality of both partners.

Today the swinger community is organised and diverse. There are clubs, specialised resorts, cruises, themed parties and online platforms where couples meet.

Types of swinging

Not all swinger couples do the same thing. There are several commonly accepted levels in the community:

  • Soft swap: kissing, touching, oral sex or play with the other couple, but no penetration with another partner. Many couples start here.
  • Full swap: includes sex with other partners, with the couple again setting the boundaries.
  • Closed swap: partners separate and each is with another person in a separate room.
  • Open swap: everything happens in one space, the couple stays together and can watch each other.
  • Watching only: some couples visit clubs only for the atmosphere and the excitement of watching, without joining in.

The last option is closely linked to voyeurism, a very common and perfectly legitimate desire.

What swinging means for the couple

Why do couples choose swinging? The reasons vary, but a few come up most often.

New excitement in a long relationship. Over the years, routine creeps into even the most passionate relationships. Swinging brings novelty, adrenaline and a sense of adventure without either partner having to look for it in secret.

More open communication. Many swinger couples say the biggest change isn't in the sex but in the conversations. To practise swinging, you need to talk openly about desires, fears, jealousy and boundaries. This often carries over into other areas of the relationship.

Security in the main relationship. Paradoxically, couples who swing successfully usually have a very solid relationship. Swinging doesn't save a troubled relationship. If anything, it exposes the problems that are already there.

The unwritten rules of the swinger community

The swinger community has its own etiquette. It exists to keep things pleasant and safe for everyone.

  • No means no. A refusal isn't explained or argued with. Anyone can stop at any moment.
  • Ask before you touch. Even in a club, nobody is obliged to take part.
  • The couple decides together. If one partner doesn't agree, the answer is no.
  • Discretion. What happens in the club stays there. Names and photos of others are never shared.
  • Protection is mandatory. Condoms are the standard in the community.
  • Hygiene and grooming. Respect for others starts with taking care of yourself.

What to discuss before your first time

This is perhaps the most important part. Before visiting a club or meeting another couple, sit down and talk openly. Here are a few questions to start with:

  • Why do we want to try this and what do we expect?
  • What's allowed and what's strictly off limits?
  • Will we always stay in the same room?
  • What will the signal be if one of us wants to leave?
  • How will we talk about the experience afterwards?
  • How will we handle it if one of us feels jealous?

It's a good idea to make your first visit as observers only. Visit a club, look around, talk to people and go home. If you both feel good, you can continue step by step.

Jealousy and how to handle it

Jealousy is a normal emotion and doesn't mean swinging isn't for you. It's a signal that something needs attention. Talk about it straight away, without blame. Sometimes a hug and reassurance are enough, sometimes you need to slow down or rethink the boundaries.

Many couples have a debrief after each meeting. The same evening or the next day they tell each other what they liked, what they didn't and whether they want to do it again.

Health and safety

When you have more than one partner, the risk of sexually transmitted infections increases. That's why responsible swinger couples:

  • use a condom with every new partner, including during oral sex;
  • get tested regularly;
  • change condoms when switching partners;
  • don't share sex toys without a condom or thorough cleaning.

You can find more information in our article on HIV symptoms and prevention.

A decision made together

Some couples find a new adventure in swinging, others realise after the first evening that the fantasy works better as a fantasy. Both conclusions are valuable, as long as you reach them together.